Sunday was Boyfriend's birthday.   Up until Sunday, I spent six weeks being the older woman which he was always very proud of, but no longer!  10 birthdays ago for him, I remember reading on his Livejournal about his 19th birthday and how he had waited so long to get to that age so he could related to the Old 97s song. 

"We came back and finished off a bottle of vodka, green apple flavored. I had like 8 shots in 45 minutes. Jared had to walk Katie to class because I was too drunk to go anywhere. Hutch told me to go to dinner with him and when I walked outside I lost him. Hot Jenna came by with a birthday cake, which was really sweet. If you have seen the Bachelorette, Jenna looks a lot like Trista, except Jenna is hotter and doesn't do that stupid baby voice like Trista does."

A small excerpt from that LJ entry, I remember being insanely jealous of this Hot Jenna he spoke of (who he still to this day refers to her as such, but she really is so I can't blame him).  I remember wishing that I hadn't screwed up our friendship for another boy, but that is another story for a different time.   Luckily just a few months later, that other boy decided I wasn't worth the effort and I have had the extreme fortune to spend Boyfriend's next nine and counting birthdays making him birthday cakes instead of Hot Jenna.

For me, birthdays are so important.  I feel bad, I don't think that I did enough for Boyfriend this year.  We had a great brunch with some of our closest friends, dinner with my mom, cake with Baby (apparently birthdays=lots of eating delicious foods) but I didn't really *do* anything.  We don't exchange presents in our relationship but normally I still like to find ways to make the day special. Last year, we went to Vegas and in years past we have made a really fun day out of it.  The only year that less effort was made was the year that I was pregnant but you can pretty much get a pass out of anything when you are pregnant (especially be 36 weeks and in prodromal labor already).

 Boyfriend is the most important person in my life, my main squeeze, my other half.  And even though he hasn't complained, I feel guilty I didn't take the time to show him how much his special day means to me-even if it doesn't mean that much to him.  Baby however, took extreme pleasure in wishing her daddy a happy birthday at least 25 times during the day and singing to him.  She was so cute, Boyfriend even let her help blow out his birthday candles on his cake.

I feel like my life is still on hold.  Yesterday I went to the doctor's for what they thought was going to be my final blood draw that would finally show that all levels of the pregnancy hormone was gone and I am considered in the clear.

Sadly that wasn't the case, I still have an elevated HCG count meaning not everything has cleared out if you get what I mean.  The levels were very low though so no additional measures are going to be taken at this point-if two weeks from now I still have the same level I will go through a procedure to complete the process but I really would like to avoid that.

It frustrates me.  I'm mad at my body.  I'm raging angry at my Mirena (which is in some dumpster by now with other medical "byproducts" where it belongs).  I still don't *feel* normal.  I'm still bone tired most days but I have noticed some days are a lot better than others.  It could be psychological but all the same, physically I am being impacted.

The other day Boyfriend, innocently made a joke that he wasn't sure if I was just not my normal self because everything isn't physically complete or if I'm just riding out sympathy for as long as possible.  I wish that I was abusing the situation and pretending to not feel well.  I wish that I didn't feel off in my own body.

I did talk to my doctor about it and she said it was totally normal and that it will take some time to get back to normal.  She said first my body is dealing with the hormones of the pregnancy, but now at this point my body is still working to level out from going from non hormonal birth control and all of that combined can cause the extreme fatigue.

Mentally, I'm ready.  I'm ready to feel complete again.  I'm ready to feel like I have the energy to get off the couch and have a tickle/wrestle fest with my daughter.   Emotionally, I feel like I need to take charge of my body since I lost control of it a month ago.  I just wish that I wasn't so tired the only thing I physically feel capable is moving from the couch to the bed. 

Boyfriend and I don't really do Valentine's Day.  Our first one together, it was pretty magical as it was the first one I had really had with a boyfriend.  It snowed a little over an inch (y'all-in Texas that is a ton!) and everything was beautiful and picture perfect.  He even took me to The Melting Pot, on holidays they do set menus at $80+ per person so for us as baby 19 year olds, that was big money (who am I kidding-it still is now!).

Another thing that happened that first Valentines Day I remember telling him, "We have been together for so long, 8 months!" to which he immediately responded with, "Nothing in comparison to forever".  We were kinda obsessed with each other from day one and knew we would get married very early on but that response always replays fondly in my mind.

I'm not sure what happened between that year and this year, our 10th Valentine's Day that caused it to not be a big deal in our household.  Maybe I was mad because one year I spent forever making him this story book full of inside jokes and he didn't appreciate it (and to be fair now, it was really, REALLY juvenile-something only a girl would love for her boyfriend to give her, not the reverse).  Or maybe my cheap self decided since Valentine's Day falls directly between my birthday and his, we just wouldn't make it a big deal.  I don't really know, and honestly I don't care-every day is a day we show each other how much we are about each other (or maybe every other day if we are keeping it real).

I realized this year though, with a child, Valentine's Day is going to take on a new meaning in the next few years.  Baby made me and Boyfriend, with the help of her awesome Nana, some pictures.  She was so proud and so excited to surprise us with them.  My mother even managed to surprise us that she could take Baby back to the past, the date on her card was Feb 14, 1990!

I can see the next few years her getting really, really excited to participate in activities surrounding the day.  I look forward to the not so distant future watching her pick out which boxed valentine that she wants to send to that special person she likes.  I know I would analyze each card to decide which would convey my crush without actually saying it.  The year I had animal themed cards (because my mom never bought me the cool trendy ones!) I would send a friend a card saying, "Owl Be Your Valentine" and to my crush, "Bow Wow Valentine, You are Perrrrrfect!"

Speaking of play on words for Valentine's Day, I want to leave you with this as my Asian cutie will appreciate.

Yesterday was my week day off, and based off the last couple of weeks I wanted it to be a happy day.  Originally my plan was to have Boyfriend take Baby to daycare so I could sleep in and spend the day cleaning.  I know that sounds like the opposite of a happy day, but for me, having the entire day to clean my house while I don't have a little tornado behind me destroying everything I have already done (or distracting me with requests to cuddle) sounds amazing. 

My plan was foiled though when on Monday, Baby decided to play sick at daycare so she could skip it the next day to spend it with me.  Her provider sent me a text Monday afternoon stating she was running a low fever so Nana of the year picked her up.  When I came home Monday evening, she was already in bed so I am sure she wasn't feeling well but by Tuesday morning there was no signs of sickness.  Luckily for me, spending a day with my daughter is also a happy day.

For once, she actually woke up before me and asked to watch a show on my phone so I happily obliged so I could get a little more sleep while cuddling my sweet girl.  When we woke up we took a shower and headed to my doctor's appointment.  On the way there, she asked for a donut (which a strange request as we don't really eat a lot of them in our house) so we stopped by Hypnotic Donuts.

Boyfriend and I have been before and just like last time, we were there when there were slim pickings.  Baby selected a simple pink frosted donut with sprinkles and I got some sort of chocolate/peanut butter/banana thing.  Baby was enthralled with her choice. Of course she ate all the sprinkles first and then the rest of it, but she was so happy with her sprinkles.

After my doctor's appointment we stopped at Whole Foods, not the typical store we shop at but it was near by and I wanted to get Boyfriend a surprise-his favorite cake as a, "hey you are pretty awesome" treat.  While we were in there, I also saw Sumo fruit.  It is something like a cross between a mandarin and a regular orange.  I just think it looks like a boob, but Boyfriend and I have been trying to find some everywhere since it has a very short season so I picked three up.  The price of three of these boobs are sumo in price, it was $9 for just three!

Once we got home, it was my favorite part of the day-nap time!  We were lying in bed and baby wasn't just quite ready to fall asleep so she just sat there and talked herself to sleep pretty much.  At one point, I told her, "Baby I'm tired let's nap" and she told me she wasn't ready yet.  She continued to talk for a little bit longer and then gave me a big hug, and said "Ok Mommy, I'm ready to sleep now" and put her head down and fell asleep within moments.

Boyfriend came home not too long after our nap and we enjoyed dinner together and catching up on the Bachelor to which he lost his cool when Tierra stated that she can't control her eyebrow and that no one will take her sparkle away.  This morning he even was sending me twitter accounts from Tierra's eyebrow and sparkle so it definitely made an impression.

Overall, it was exactly the kind of day off I needed.  And I suppose since this happened after midnight-it can't count as happening on my day off, but Boyfriend declared Baby potty trained so of course I woke up covered in pee.  I wasn't able to fall back asleep for three more hours which was a major bummer.  On the plus side, now that I am mostly through Wednesday only two more work days until the weekend and our couples getaway!

Nature is Taking It's Course

This weekend was a bunch of nothing again and I loved every moment, just like last weekend.  I've been laying low because physcially I haven't completed the process of the miscarriage yet (sorry for TMI) so I didn't want to be caught out somewhere when it does happen.

Saturday, the only thing we did was go to breakfast with the BFF and her husband before Boyfriend's flag football game.  While Boyfriend was playing flag football, the girls went to Target.  As always, walking around I found a bunch of stuff I *had* to buy, dropping a Grant but on the plus side, I have some of Baby's Valentine's Day present ready.  After that we came home, napped and just played with Baby.

Today we were up early and went to get pho in part of our Chinese New Year celebration.  Baby usually gets a very small bowl but was upset and declared she wanted a BIG bowl of pho.  We eat out often, but the only place she will eat her entire meal without a doubt is at pho places.  Boyfriend is so proud.  Once we came home, napped again and now we are watching Mulan-keeping up with the Asian theme.

I started cramping this afternoon so I am just praying that nature is taking action and everything will be over soon.  I know emotionally I won't be completely healed for some time, but I need the physical process to be over.  I'm also ready to stop being so tired!  I feel like all I have the energy to do is to wake up so that I can take a nap in just a few hours. 

I can't say it enough, but Boyfriend has been more than amazing this whole time.  I'm sure he is ready for me to be back to my normal self (no one is more than I am).  On the plus side I have gotten out of chores and don't really feel that guilty that I have been lying around on the couch for the last two weeks. 

I am hoping that this week goes by quickly.  On Friday, the Boyfriend and I, along with three other couples are going down south to stay in a cabin next to the river for the weeknd.  Our weekend plans consist of relaxation, wine tasting/tour and I am sure watching our boys be dumb playing with fire.

Bullet Point Update

This has been the longest two weeks of my life.  Boyfriend wrote his side and I want to get mine out there but I don't really know how to so here is me vomiting all of my feelings, in bullet points.

*Getting pregnant when you think there is no chance beyond .1% is really, really emotionally confusing.

*I feel guilty and almost shameful that I got pregnant when very actively trying to not get that way when so many women so desperately try everything under the sun to get that way.

*Once I got over the whole "Holy shit I'm pregnant" it took me .5 seconds to get excited.  First about pregnancy and call me crazy-but labor, but most importantly about Baby's younger sibling.

*About a week into our new adventure, I could tell it was not going to end how we wanted it to.   That is a despairingly frustrating experience.   Knowing that I was going to miscarry/was miscarrying? but yet there hadn't been an official "diagnosis" drove me insane.  I hated that I knew without a doubt that it was going to end in heartache but I just couldn't be that blunt with my husband.  So pretending that there was hope was heavy on my heart.

*Once I was told I was officially losing my baby, I felt that I didn't really have a right to feel sad since I didn't really want the pregnancy in the first place.  I know this is illogical but between hormones and the already confusing situation my feelings didn't make much sense.

*Physically my body still thinks it is pregnant so that is no fun either.  I still feel every symptom all the same and that can really mess with your mind as well.  I'm ready for this to be over.

Even with all of that said, I'm glad I am going through this.  I think almost everything happens for a reason and sometimes it takes a really long time to be able to look back in reflection and know what that reason was.  I know already-Boyfriend and I were very, very torn on if a second child was right for our family and after losing one, we realized that our family wasn't complete without another set of feet running around, causing us sleepless nights and magnified joy. 

Also, it is the hard times when you realize just how much love and support we have around us.  I was shocked by the outpouring of support and encouragement we were given by our family and chosen family and I feel so blessed.

This weekend was the laziest of weekends, and I loved it.

Friday night I met some of my girlfriends at King Spa.  This place is one of my favorite places ever.  For anyone who hasn't heard of it or isn't sure what it is all about-basically it is a traditional Korean spa that is open 24/7.  There are two areas wet and dry.  The wet area is naked times (separated by sex) and the dry areas are communal where you wear a uniform. 

The first time we went we were a little intimidated by the wet area.  I've changed my clothes in front of my girlfriends before but never have we gotten down to nothing and then continued to walk around in our birthday suits.  We quickly got over it though because everyone is naked and it is an unsaid rule we won't just stare at each other's bodies. 

It was the perfect start to my weekend, sitting around talking, eating and relaxing.  By the time I got home I was able to cuddle up into bed and fell asleep.  Baby woke up as I got into bed and said, "Mommy I'm glad you are home!!" which was the so sweet, but even better she stayed asleep.

I've been feeling a little off lately and am really wanting to avoid getting really sick so I spent pretty much the entire weekend on either the couch or in bed.  Yesterday I told Baby I wasn't feeling well so I was going to rest on the couch and she told me, "Ok Mommy.  I just cuddle you".  I don't know how we have raised such a sweet, thoughtful girl but I am thankful.

This morning Baby woke up with all of yesterday and today's energy so she and Boyfriend had a tickle/wrestle fest.  I love watching them play like that, Baby loves to wrestle.  Maybe she will be an accomplished judo player like her uncle.

This week is going to be a long one.  My schedule changes so it is going to take some time to adjust to getting up an hour earlier.  I am also off on Tuesdays instead of Wednesday so naturally the week will feel like it won't end. 

This morning Baby was not pleased about waking up, at all.  Every morning when I am putting her shoes on I have her sit on this desk and she usually sits there and talks to me, but today she tried to sneak in a little extra snoozes.

Next week I will start a new schedule going in an hour earlier (and getting off an hour earlier!!) so I am not looking forward to having her adjust to that.  Luckily for me, Boyfriend is going to be the one taking her to daycare.  I'm going to miss our morning talks but I can't wait to get home at a semi decent time.