Maternity Leave

Yesterday was my last day at work.  I really struggled with the choice to leave prior to the birth #2, as I worked up until the day Baby was born but as they say, every pregnancy is different and the end of this one has been incredibly different.  

  Also different is my companies maternity policy.  We have two, FMLA which everyone has (well, if your company is qualified) and then a separate maternity that stipulates you have 90 days from the date of the birth of your baby.  With Baby, I was only granted my 12 weeks of FMLA so if I left early it was only cutting into the time I had once she was here and I wasn't willing to risk any of that time.  Since I won't be losing anytime with #2 by leaving a bit early, I decided it just wasn't worth it to push through anymore.   Not to mention--as hard as I tried, I just couldn't focus on anything and I was constantly struggling knowing that I have the ability to normally do so much more.  It was a constant source of stress, giving myself the grace to know that I was doing my best but it just didn't live up to my previous productivity.   I am so thankful that my current company offers the leave they do.  While I have very strong opinions about maternity/paternity policies in the US, I value the fact that they go above and beyond what is required so that I have the ability to take care of myself.     I also can't say how much I appreciate Boyfriend for recognizing how important this time off is and never even once questioned me taking the time off-I know that it might be more fun to take a trip or do home upgrades with our savings instead of replacing my lost salary.  It truly makes my contributions to the family feel valued and it means a lot to me.   So for the first time in weeks, last night I took a doctor approved Tylenol Sleep (I can't take it when working, they leave me too groggy to drive even after eight hours) and minus my four potty breaks, I was able to sleep through the night!  And until #2 decides to show up, I will be taking lots and lots of naps!

I Might Just Have a Homebirth Afterall

Last night, while Boyfriend and I were catching up on our DVR I noticed that I was having pretty regular contractions.  At first I just ignored them, but they lasted through the entire season finale of American Idol (which actually isn't that long with us-Boyfriend already told me who won so we just fast forwarded stopping for a few performances) so I started to really take notice.   While watching Modern Family, I decided to start timing them, just in case even though technically, I still have 17 days until my due date.  While none were painful, they were occurring every five to six minutes, lasting a little over a minute and were continuous.  This is exactly how the start of Baby's labor was, but I also had this happen for THREE weeks consistently prior so after about 45 minutes I just decided, "Screw it-no timing it and I'm just going to go about my way until I know I am in labor."   This plan is going to be either brilliant or end up with me giving birth at home (or in a car, or at work, or at Target).  Doctor's rules are to call when they are "5-1-1" (five minutes apart, one minute long, lasting over an hour) but if I called every time that occurred, well I would be in the hospital right now, and obviously the baby isn't coming.  It seems like my body likes to really have itself prepared for the big day and tease (torture) me.
I'm just really scared this plan is going to backfire, if it is similar to Baby's birthday.  I did not feel an ounce of pain (I'm lucky, I know) until I was at 8 cm and that is because they broke my water at the hospital.  That is when everything went down, but I honestly believe that had I not gone to the doctor on an off chance I was in labor, Baby would have been born in a car-or worse, at work.
So for the next couple of weeks-if you see me holding my bulging belly, trying to get some relief from it being so tight, I may or not be in labor.  If you witness a giant puddle around my feet, I might still be in denial after all this pre-labor so go ahead and shove me in a car and get me to the hospital!    

Ghost Riding My Whip

The end of pregnancy can suck it. I am not one of those women who are like, "OMG GET IT OUT OF ME!!" because, as I have said many times to my friends-once it is out, it isn't going back in!  I'm just feeling, very very pregnant.

Mentally though, it is maddening.  Since I didn't actually know I was in labor with Baby, I am constantly worried the same is going to happen with this one.  I actually pray that is the case-because it means that I have a tolerable level of pain instead of the screaming, clinging to the walls level.  But until I know for sure I am in labor, I am going to sit here and drive myself insane wondering if all these dumb contractions (I have been having regular ones for a bit now, some actually uncomfortable some just regular tightening) are for real-or just getting my body ready.   I mentally have lost it too.  Yesterday when I picked up Baby from daycare, she looked out the door and pointed to my car and said, "Daddy!!" I was really confused since he wasn't in the car with me (sometimes we carpool) but even more surprisingly, my car is slowly rolling away from the house.  Apparently I forgot to put the car in first gear as well as engage the emergency brake so gravity was working on my poor car.  Luckily it was only slightly rolling so I was able to hop in and stop it, but seriously-if that isn't a sign of pregnancy brain I don't know what is.  Can I just claim that I wanted to ghost ride my whip?

  Working is proving to be very difficult as well.  I worked up until the day I gave birth to Baby so I just automatically assumed I would do the same with this one, no problem.  That is what I get for assuming-because as I'm driving to work I'm negotiating with myself to make it just an hour.  While at work, I'm bargaining with myself to have productive 15 minute blocks.  I am someone who takes great pride in their work so it really hurts me to know that I am not really performing at a high level, though I can assure you-it is the best I can manage these days, even if it makes me feel weak.   I think what is hardest for me is that this can go on for just another day (very unlikely) to another three or so weeks (much more likely).  I can say that is one of the major advantages of having a planned cesarean-knowing at minimum, you won't go past X day being pregnant.   I do try and remind myself though, this is the last few weeks of my family being just three (four when you include the furchild of the family) and I just need to embrace each day because all too soon, it is going to change FOREVER.

Going Further Than I Ever Had Before

Tonight, eleven years ago, Boyfriend and I went on our first date.  It wasn't just our first date though, I experienced another first with him late that night-something I never in a million years thought I would do on a first date.   I remember almost every detail, from how I used a hot oil treatment on my hair (being a life guard, bleaching my hair and hair straighteners not being in existence at this point created one frizzy mess) to the white shirt with embroidered flowers that my mom's dog eventually tore a hole in it.   I remember that Boyfriend wore an orange polo and after he picked me up he looked over at me and just said, "You are pretty" as matter of fact as could be.  Looking back, I can see how nervous he was because he was constantly wiping his forehead trying to hide the fact that he was sweating.   He wasn't sweating because he was hot-he actually took me ice skating.  In his mind, he thought that I would fall often giving him ample excuses to hold my hand and touch me.  Fantasy was extremely far from reality though because it was he that fell, and often.  He literally couldn't stand for more than three seconds at a time.  It was so bad that a little girl, no older than ten, came up to him to try and show him the proper way.  It didn't matter though-he just couldn't stay up, I couldn't stop laughing and he affectionately earned the nickname Bambi.   After ice skating, he took me to Sonic for a refreshing drink and some cheese tater tots.   When you first start dating, you try to show only your best sides and maybe even stretch some truths-that night Boyfriend told me he just loved to drive around, "to think about life" and that he LOVED giving massages (but hated them).  We just drove around that night, talking about anything and everything-these days he refuses to go anywhere if he has to pass his final destination or backtracks so I know he was really just trying to spend time with me.   Ultimately we ended up in his neighborhood where he took me a park behind his house that was extremely excluded-I assumed he was going to try to take advantage of the privacy to give me one of his "award winning" massages.  Aka-an attempt to make his move.  
No disappointment, he did he make his move.  In a way that I never could have anticipated.
Carrying this Asian bamboo mat we walked to the middle of the park (or as I was entering, the place I realized he could kill me an no one would know, good thing he wasn't creepy) and he placed the mat on the wet grass and sat down.  He laid down looking up at the stars and asked me to join him.
As this wasn't my first date with a boy, I wasn't oblivious to what he was trying to do, but I was a willing participant.  I laid down next to him and we spent the next couple hours talking, eventually I had turned to my side for some reason or another and the next thing I know, Boyfriend's hand was on my hip and we were cuddling.
Cuddling!  Who cuddles on a first date?!  No heavy make out session acting like the teenagers that we were, just an already married 10 years couple, snuggling under the stars in the park.  Somehow in that moment, we both just felt totally comfortable and realized we had something special.
Eventually we had to end our night (he still had a curfew, ha) and he took me home, walked me up to my door.  A kiss was stolen on that doorstep, along with my heart. 
Sometimes I look over and still see that nervous boy in an orange polo trying so hard to impress me and make me laugh.  Sometimes, he still looks over at me will just say, "You are pretty" just as genuine as on our first date.
I am so unbelievably blessed that not only have I been able to spend the last eleven years falling in love with this boy, but that curfews no longer limit our cuddle sessions.  It is equally just as hard to believe and not expect nothing less that we have made it this far, and that we have only spent a small portion of our time together.
I truly am the luckiest.